the maddest people on planet earth

THE COMPLETE LIST OF MAD Magazine's 20 Dumbest People, Events and Things of 2005: 1. Hurricane Katrina: The Bush League Response Shattering his old record for totally ignoring a national disaster (8 minutes of slacking following the 9/11 attacks), President Bush set a new standard this year for utter cluelessness. As Katrina grew to a class five hurricane and smashed the Gulf Coast, leaving New Orleans underwater and thousands stranded and suffering, Dubya spent his time clearing brush, presenting a birthday cake to John McCain, strumming a guitar at a GOP fundraiser, and sleeping. By the time he apologized to the nation two weeks later, it was painfully clear that the President had a lot in common with the citizens of New Orleans: he, too, was in way over his head.2. Tom Cruise: From Pretty Boy To "Hoo Boy!" As a Scientologist, Tom Cruise believes that all human suffering is caused by the galactic tyrant Xenu, who stacked billions of alien ghosts in volcanoes 75,000,000 years ago and then blew them up with his H-bombs. To us that sounds completely plausible, especially when compared to Tom's recent super crazy rants against psychotherapy and his wide-eyed, maniacal declarations of love for Katie Holmes. (Note to Katie: Get out now!) Damn that Xenu for making us all suffer through Cruise's weird, pathetic meltdown.3. There Goes The Bride: Jennifer Wilbanks Says "Adieu" Here comes the bride, all dressed in...whoops, not so fast! Just days before her upcoming nuptials, spooked bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks faked being kidnapped by a "Hispanic man" to avoid tying the knot. After an entire police force and 150 volunteers spent days looking for her to the tune of $60,000, she admitted that the story of her abduction on the eve of marriage was even phonier than the story of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's happy marriage. But still, the most troubling and highly disturbing aspect of the whole story? Her freaky-assed bug-eyes!4. Russell Crowe's Telephone Tantrum: Dial "M" For Moron Russell Crowe may not get a Best Actor Oscar nomination for Cinderella Man, but if there was a category for Best Real Life Temper Tantrum Thrown By a Pampered, Spoiled Multi-Millionaire Crybaby, then he'd be a sure-fire winner. The only performance of Crowe's that anyone paid any attention to this year was his caveman-like hotel lobby hissy fit during which he chucked a malfunctioning telephone at the head of a hapless desk clerk. All we can say is it's a good thing Russell wasn't having any problems with his toilet. 5. Karl Rove: A Man For All Treasons There's an old saying that goes, if you piss in the wind enough, sooner or later it's bound to come back and hit you in the face. And so it was with White House advisor and political smear-meister, Karl Rove. When Rove heard that former diplomat Robert Wilson was issuing a report debunking the Bush administration's main reason for invading Iraq, and unable to refute Wilson with the facts, Karl did the only thing he could do: attack Wilson by secretly leaking to the press that his wife, Valerie Plame, was an undercover CIA agent. There were two problems with Karl's plan: 1) It's against the law, and 2) He got caught. Next thing Karl knew, he was in front of a federal grand jury probing his verbal incontinence. Bad boy, Karl. Bad boy!6. Prince Harry: Not Knowing Reich From Wrong Nearly a year after it happened, we're still trying to figure out why in Himmler's name Britain's Prince Harry thought it was a jolly good idea to attend a costume party dressed in full Nazi regalia. As part of a family that says it doesn't want to attract undue attention, parading around with a Swastika armband isn't exactly the way to go unnoticed. Note to His Highness: Next time you get a hankering for dressing up as a Nazi, play it safe and go as the Soup Nazi. Unlike you, he's funny.7. Dave Chapelle: Must Flee TV Everyone handles success differently. Some immediately embrace it, some slowly adapt to it and others panic, crap their pants and haul ass to South Africa. Just after signing a record-breaking $50 million contract with Comedy Central, guess which category Dave Chappelle fell into? Even though his impersonations of Lil John, Rick James and Prince made him a star, Dave is now most famous for a baffling new impression: Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks. 8. Pat Robertson: Hitman Of The Cloth Pat Roberston has long been respected and admired as a leading authority on sanctimonious, pea-brained, hateful ideas. This year, however, the Reverend's disturbing slide into advanced dementia reached a new low point when he called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. We're not Biblical scholars, but we missed the part in the Good Book where Jesus advocates killing. Perhaps Robertson's Bible includes The Gospel According To Jack (Ruby). We'd take issue with Pat more fervently, but honestly, we wouldn't want him to put a hit out on us, too. 9. Scam Artist Gives Wendy's The Finger It was a fast food scam so stupid, it made the Hamburglar look like a criminal mastermind. Anna Ayala thought she had cooked up the perfect swindle — plant a severed digit in her Wendy's chili and just wait for that easy lawsuit money to come rolling in! Only one problem: for some crazy reason, Wendy's wanted to figure out exactly how "Chili con Fingertip" ended up on their menu. It didn't take much investigating before Ayala's Biggie lies were exposed and she and her husband were arrested — but not before her stunt cost Wendy's millions of bucks in lost business. Amazingly, in a story that involved a woman almost eating a severed human finger, Ayala's greedy, dumbass behavior managed to stand out as the most disgusting part.10. Rafael Palmeiro Testifies Negative, Tests Positive When people say an athlete's had quite a year, they're usually referring to his on-the-field heroics. Not so with mustachioed, unnaturally tanned baseball star Rafael Palmeiro. After waving his finger in Clinton-esque fashion in front of Congress and testifying that he'd never used steroids, Rafy tested positive. Ever defiant, he then claimed that he never "intentionally" used steroids. But soon it was revealed that the heavy-duty 'roid he tested positive for is never found in tainted supplements, so he went to his next lame defense and blamed a teammate for giving him a tainted vitamin injection. Not long ago Palmeiro was hired to pitch Viagra to people who had trouble keeping it up. A good choice, because when it comes to dishing out the heavy BS, Rafy can keep it up forever.11. The Terry Schiavo Circus When a living creature perishes, eventually disgusting maggots appear to feed on its dead flesh. In the case of Terry Schiavo, the maggots — the self-righteous politicians, sanctimonious preachers, cable news talking heads and partisan grandstanders — actually fed on poor Terry while she was still alive. Upon hearing of this personal family tragedy, they quickly seized the opportunity to push forth their own selfish agendas. And an entire nation watched as these lowlife freaks whipped themselves — and the public — into a feeding frenzy. If only we could have disconnected the feeding tube on those bastards. 12. Michael Jackson's Touching Tale Even after being acquitted on his latest round of boy-touching accusations, Michael Jackson's story was as full of unexplained holes as his kabuki face. But you'd never know it, if you checked out the self-adoring celebration that erupted on his website. The King of Perv compared his "innocent" verdict to the birth of Martin Luther King, the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the release of Nelson Mandela. It's good to see Michael finally gets it. 13. Brajelina: The Lame Of Love Like a cockroach that you step on over and over that will not die, so it is with the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie love triangle. Supermarket tabloids, TV entertainment shows and gossip websites fulfilled their brain-dead audience's insatiable desire for The juicy details...The sordid confessions...The smoldering fury! (Even when they had to make it up.) So much money has been made by the parasitic media feeding off these three people's private lives, we figure it won't be long before the ever-greedy comic book business jumps on the bottom-feeder bandwagon.14. Teen Queens' Extreme Weight Loss: Into Thin Err Unhappy with their images as robust, beautiful and healthy young women, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson and Nicole Ritchie decided it was time for an extreme makeover and quickly transformed themselves into sickly, walking skeletons. They probably think they look drop dead gorgeous, but to us they look more like they're just about to drop dead. 15. Saddam Photographed In Jail: The News In Briefs We're continually being told that for America to be successful in Iraq that we have to win the "hearts and minds" of the people on the Arab street. Our first efforts got off to a somewhat shaky start. There was that whole Abu Grahib naked prisoners on dog leashes thing, followed by the accidentally dropping and flushing the Koran down the toilet several times. This year we hit the trifecta when humiliating photos of the incarcerated Saddam Hussein, wearing nothing but tightie whities, were leaked to a British tabloid. The Pentagon, of course, promised to get to the bottom of their latest "crack" in security. Meanwhile, they're suffering from yet another public relations wedgie any child could relate to. 16. Homo-Neurotic: Right-Wing Group Outs SpongeBob Early this year, Focus On The Family founder Dr. James Dobson claimed there was a "sinister agenda" behind a children's video because it featured "pro-homosexual" cartoon characters, such as SpongeBob SquarePants, singing the 1979 Sister Sledge hit We Are Family. We can't help thinking that Dr. J has actually lost his focus on the family — isn't it much more sinister that the video is trying to revive disco music? And, given that SpongeBob works as a deep-fry cook churning out Krabby Patties, shouldn't family groups be more worried about childhood obesity? As right-wingers continue to warn us about harmful influences in the fictional world of animation, they better take a look at this utterly shocking information we've uncovered, as it is indeed cause for grave concern.17. Paula Abdul: Judge Juicy We always knew that Paula Abdul was super-nice to American Idol contestants, but she apparently took it to the extreme with Season 2 contestant (and all-around loser) Corey Clark. Corey claimed that the once-sexy Abdul had an affair with him while he was on the show -- and also that she secretly coached him, chose his songs, designed his new look and even paid for his wardrobe, hairstyling and cell phone. The former Laker babe was cleared of any wrongdoing by FOX . (Note: Given that FOX's new fall line-up included The War At Home, Head Cases and So You Think You Can Dance, they're clearly experts when it comes to wrong-doing!) Well, one thing's for sure: we'll never be able to look at Ruben Studdard again without wondering if maybe, just maybe...18. Kevin Federline: From Beer to Paternity It was April 12th when both People Magazine editors and readers spontaneously wet themselves as Britney Spears announced that she and second husband, former dancer/current bum Kevin Federline were — Oh! My! God! — expecting. While makin' babies was sure to be a new experience for Spears, it was old hat for Federline who had already fathered two kids — not even waiting around for the second one to be born before hooking up with Spears. A healthy baby boy was born on September 14 — and while Britney had cause to worry over Kevin's lack of employment, drinking, partying, gambling and forays to strip clubs, she might take comfort in the knowledge that all those lap dances he's been enjoying (and she's been paying for) are good practice for when he bounces little Sean Preston Spears Federline on his knee.19. "INTELLIGENT DESIGN" 20. What Screws Up Must Come Down: The A-list of A-holes Lately, when someone does something really stupid, illegal or immoral, they're "punished" with a fat book contract or their own reality TV show. But that's not always the case. Occasionally there is a God. Someone does something wrong and there are repercussions. And so it was with a bunch of notorious lowlifes this year. In one way or another, from fraud to professional ethics gaffes to racist remarks, each of these once-esteemed people screwed up and lost. Some lost their freedom. Some lost their job. Some lost whatever credibility and respect they had. But they all found at least one thing: a place among this group of unquestionable morons.

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