u dont have to quote from the good book always ........

Woody is fun too ...


My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

Death is an acquired trait.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I
want to achieve it through not dying.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)


I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
(Quote and Unquote)


If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
(New York Times)

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
(Sayings of the Week, Observer)

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.


If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable, as ones hat keeps falling off...



I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.


-Woody Allen